the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
