i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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