I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
