I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
