Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
