paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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