Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
