Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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