remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
