I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
