Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
