i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
