i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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