Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
