i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
