I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
