We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
