I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
4 words: hood of his car
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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