Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
