So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
