well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
