Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
