Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
