I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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