My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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