Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
