Got a toothbrush?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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