The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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