That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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