I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
