help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
