I didn't shave. On purpose
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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