I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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