Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
