either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
