I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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