Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
