i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
