she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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