The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
