When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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