Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
