Im at strip club and am horny
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
