Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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