Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
