So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
