wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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