i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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