They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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