I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
