I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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